Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
