i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
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