I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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