i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
