Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
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