I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize