The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
That reminds me...we need to get swords
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
