I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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