When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
