My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
