she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Randomize
