News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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