Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
