There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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