I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
