FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
