all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Randomize
