I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
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