You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
