Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
