Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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