i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
