Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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