Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
