I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
