can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
