I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
