I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Randomize
