A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
