shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
