If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I checked into jail on foursquare
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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