I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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