dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
