she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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