Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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