the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
