The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
