Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
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