i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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