Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
