I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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