I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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