I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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