It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
