Have you finally orgasmed yet?
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
