I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Randomize
