i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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