I think I died a long time ago.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
