i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
