I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
