i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
