smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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