I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
