Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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