someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
