my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
