high people should be assigned attendants
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
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